The glory if I.C.O.N. I just had a revelation. I’m Selfish. As much as I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t, I had to realize that I am all the things that I hoped I wasn’t. I’m selfish, arrogant, elitist, and I can’t hear anyone by myself.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are times when we need to be all of these things and we do need to take time off to listen to ourselves. I don’t mean HEAR ourselves, I mean LISTEN. BUT… there are times when we have to take a step back and listen to life. I spent so much time and energy telling any and everyone who wanted to listen (and any and every one who didn’t want to listen) all about why I hated slams. I talked about the politics, the favoritism, the lack of intelligence by the judges, or what ever reason I could come up with. But the bottom line is, the reason I can’t stand slams is because I never win. Its one thing to beat a bunch of teenage rappers with an ounce of talent and no outlook on life in a contest, poets ALWAYS beat rappers. That’s not what I want to do. I don’t wanna be the hottest unsigned artist in Atlanta (even though it has brought me a boat load of glory. What, you didn’t see me on the cover of Ebony?) I want to be respected as a great poet by my peers.
Last year at the first Atlanta Underground awards show, I was sitting there with my ex girlfriend (well, she wasn’t my ex at the time). And we sat there as Cola Rum, Amir Sulaiman, Malik Salaam, Q Swon, and Isshues totally DESTROYED the stage. I mean, they turned the Abbey out. Later on that night, I said to her, “You see all those artists there that night? My goal is to be the BEST out of ALL of them.” If none of you have ever heard any of those artists, then you have no idea just how tall an order that really is; but I think I am capable.
With that in mind, when I display my talent and other people don’t sit in awe and wonder in amazement in the phenomenon that is ME, then OBVIOUSLY there must be something wrong…with them.
There are several different reasons why I haven’t won a slam, almost all of them have been listed at the beginning of this blog. The judges just don’t know poetry. The judges just didn’t feel me. The judges were friends with the person who won. Maybe I’m just not good enough. Nah…of course not. That couldn’t POSSIBLY be the reason. For I…am the illustrious I.C.O.N. Surely they must’ve heard about the massacre at J Paul’s Nightclub when I slaughtered the likes of SSL, Z Ro Toleranz, VS(pronounced Verses), and the R.A.T.S. I KNOW that I am good enough to win a slam.
Realistically, all bullshit aside, I have to be honest with myself. Exactly WHY do I want to win a slam? Do I want to win because I want to be recognized as a great poet? No. Not even close. I want to win because I want the GLORY!!!!! I want people to sit and stare with jaws agape and eyes aglow. “There…goes I.C.O.N.”
I don’t want to be recognized as a great poet for the glory of my poetry. I want to be recognized as a great poet for the glory of ME. THAT… is why I’ve never won a slam. Glory is elusive for those who crave it. ESPECIALLY when they aren’t real with themselves as to why they want it: or if they even want it at all.
It reminds me of something I read in one of the many Star Wars novels I have. This particular story was chronicling the life of Han Solo before he became the hero of the Rebellion against the Galactic Empire. He was on the moon of Nar Shadda, and he was walking when this old woman stopped him and said that she would tell his fortune. He gave her some change and asked her if he would ever be rich and famous. She answered, “Yes, but only AFTER you no longer desire it.”
Maybe that’s the lesson I have to learn. I have to get back to writing poetry for FUN instead of for personal gain, and Glory.